Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Lifehouse-Walking Away

The sun goes down as the city lights
Pave their way through the darkest night
Raindrops fall as an old man cries
Never thought to ever think twice
Of all he had Of all he lost
A selfish life
I guess comes with a cost
Hey, remember me
I remember you walking away
The same old streets just a different name
Same old house just the family's changed
Pickett fence The window stains
Freedom spelled by a man in chains
Silence is all we have to give
And the memories of a life
I wish we'd lived
Hey, remember me
I remember you walking
From all that you made
That you lost
Or threw away
Traded in for a brand new life
But I can't
Can't let go
Can't turn around
Hold my head high and walk away
Hey, remember me
I remember you walking away.

I have a feeling the only people reading this blog already know why I would relate to that song, so I don't think I really need to explain the situation. If you are already rolling your eyes, saying "here we go again" or "get over it already" please stop reading right now. I know people are sick of me being stuck on the same thing and not bbeing able to hold a single conversation without bringing it up somehow, but its funny because A) maybe I would get over it a lot faster if I was allowed to feel something other then complete joy and B) people act like i enjoy talking about when, trust me, with all of my heart and soul-every fiber of my being I wish I didnt have to talk about it, I wish I could move on and I wish I could stop having the physically crippling feeling that has woken me up at least once every night for the past 8 years. A lot of people have told me that I shouldn't put personal information on the internet, but honestly I dont really care. Im sick of putting on a smile and pretending I'm OK, because guess what? I'm not. Besides the only relationship that could be hurt by this post died 8 years ago, and there is no hope of it being revived. Its been 8 years, and it still feels like yesterday. For everyone else life may have moved on. But for didnt go on. My life ended. I was replaced, pushed out, literally, of house and home. I was treated like a child and expected to act as an adult. I was told I wouldn't understand and was left to figure it all out on my own. Everyone else's view is different, like having box seats to a football game-you see enough of the game to keep score, but when a player gets ravaged by an opponent, you don't see the blood and bone and sheer agony on that players face. You can't see the understanding in their eyes that their life as a football player is over, now they have to find something else because they can never, ever go back to the life they once knew. They had a good run, but now coach has to find a replacement because that player is absolutely useless now.
I am very defensive of my mom. Anyone who knows me knows I am not a confrontational person AT ALL. I avoid it whenever possible. But the one thing I will fight to the death about is my mother. It's all because of the last 8 years. I can honestly say now that had it not been for my mother I would literally be dead right now. She saved my life. She was the only ray of light that I had, the only hope I had left in my heart was because she put it there. The nights I couldn't sleep because the pain was physically excrusiating she sat with me and listened to me weep and told me everything would be ok. She didn't go out to bars and get drunk, she didnt lay in bed all day in utter depression, she went out and worked her ass off. She worked two jobs AND went to school full time. She got her degree in 4 years even though she had just lost everything she had. She was so determined and so driven to dig herself out of the whole someone else put her in. Inspiring isn't a strong enough word to describe her. There are no words in the english language strong enough to even begin to explain what an amazing person she is. She's the only person in this world I could imagine wanting to be like. I wish I had an ounce of her determination and her spirit and her faith. If I had to write about everything that she has had to go through it would probably be about 100000 pages long. But she made it through everything and she never let me feel anything less then a princess. I hope one day when I have children I can be half the mother to them that she has been to me.
I also feel like I need to mention one other person while im on the subject. Colleen Parker is a saint. She is my "other mother" and she is my mom's best friend. She's the kind of friend that you only wish you could have but never actually expect to. I think my mom will agree that neither one of us would be where we are today without her help and unfailing support. I feel lucky to have her and her family as a part of my family.
Im sure by now you have all given up on reading this, but I promise I'm almost done. If I may just leave you with a little advice..When someone you love is hurting DO NOT under any circumstance tell them 1.Get over it 2. That they are wrong 3. That it's not a big deal or 4. They are too sensitive. Because when the tables are turned and you need someone to lean on, thats not what you're going to want to hear. Listen to them, comfort them, be a friend. Be more like my mom was to me. And never underestimate a childs ability to pick up on things.
Goodnight everyone.

P.S. Im sorry if you think this was uncalled for, or I shouldn't have posted this but I did because I'm not hiding anything anymore. And from now on when people tell me to get over it I'm not going to listen so if thats what you would like to say to me please dont waste your breath.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Add on to previous...

I just wanted to say, that in my last blog it sounded like I had a chip on my shoulder about Christians, but I dont. If you are a christian, then thats great for you! I would just like people to be more open to other things, ideas, and people.

P.S. Thanks for reading! :)

Faith, Trust, and Pixie dust.

So...I was going to start off with something simple for my first ever post, buuuuut-I've got some other thoughts on my mind at the moment.
Someone asked me the other day, " Are you a Christian?". I didn't really know how to respond to that question because, to be honest, I haven't really given it much thought. Once I really started thinking about it, I started to realize that the answer is no. I hope my family doesn't disown me for this, but honestly I'm not. I do believe there is a higher power out there, but I don't want to label myself with any religion.
I struggle with Christianity a lot because I see a lot of hypocrisy when it comes to most of the Christians I have interacted with. Most of the people I know that call themselves Christians pick and choose passages out of the bible that work for them at the time. For instance, I know a girl who was trying out different churches and at one church that she went to they actually tried to "pray the gay" out of a girl. Really people?? But I guess that's better then some other churches where they downright refuse people. What happened to loving thy neighbor and all that? I just don't get it. I knew a girl who got pregnant, and she didn't want to have an abortion because it's "against her religion"...Well I think the religion ship sailed when you had sex before marriage.
I think I'm going to start my own church. Its called the church of faith, trust and pixie dust. I wont tell you what to believe, or what to hope for, or how to live your life. Just believe in SOMETHING. Just have HOPE for SOMETHING..and have a little faith. A place where you wont be judged for what you look like, or who you love. A place where a little less then normal is OK, and making mistakes are too. A place where you can feel free to be who you really want to be.
Call me an idealist, call me a dreamer, call me crazy-i don't care( I've been called much much worse). I believe everyone has the right to choose whats best for them. I know what I would do in certain situations, but I'm not going to judge you because you would do something different. I'm not gay, but if you are and you are lucky enough to find someone to love in this messed up world, then more power to you! No one on earth has the right to tell another human being what is right or wrong for them. Every person has the right to decide that for his or herself.
Sorry if I'm rambling, but this has bugged me for a very long time, and most people just ignore me because they think I'm stupid, so its all coming out now. So please step out of your bubble long enough to realize that if you don't open your mind a little bit..then your going to miss out on knowing a lot of pretty cool people. I think the world could use a little more love and a little less hate and judgement.